25 Toronto-centric jokes from the city’s burgeoning comedy community



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Spencer “Spenny” Rice

Well, it’s April Fools Day, and we thought we’d get in on some of the tomfoolery. We collected 25 Toronto jokes from the city’s comedy crew, from Spencer Rice to Ed the Sock to up-and-coming Toronto comedians.

 

What was the question Torontonians were asked most often this past year? “Have you driven out a Ford lately?”
Carla Collins, comedian, actress, television host

I was 45 minutes late for my job interview with the TTC this morning.… I got the job.
Darryl Orr, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

Being from the U.K., I do enjoy the colourful Torontonian taxi drivers — or doctors, as we call them in England.
David Virgo, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

In 2013, the Argos won the Grey Cup and an Oscar for Best Picture!
Matt Baram, CTV’s Seed

Everyone in Toronto is really trendy and fashionable, but the other day I saw a girl wearing sparkly Uggs. Which is kind of like putting a bow on a septic tank.
Amanda Brooke Perrin, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

Did you hear about the Toronto Celebrity Roast? It was cancelled for excessive politeness.
Spencer “Spenny” Rice, Kenny vs. Spenny

Toronto real estate is expensive. I live downtown in a 250-square-foot apartment. If you don’t understand what square footage is, my microwave is my bedroom clock. Every night before I go to bed, I just set my alarm for eight hours on “Hi.”
Graham Kay, comedian, panelist on MuchMusic’s Video on Trial

The best thing about Toronto’s public transit is that you always know where you are going to be in five minutes … right where you are now!
Kevin Frank, artistic director, The Second City Training Centre

Toronto is the only city in Canada where a typical winter storm is called “Snowmageddon.” Look, until you see a pack of wolves attack a Bay Street fat cat during evening rush hour … it’s just January!
Ron James, The Ron James Show

The only thing that scares me more than the CN Tower EdgeWalk is using the bathroom at the Madison.
Christina Walkinshaw, comedian, CTV's Comedy Now

You know how you get 20 Torontonians out of your swimming pool? Just ask them — they’re really nice!
Jason Priestley, actor, director

Mayor Rob Ford finally attended his first Pride event — the raising of the Pride flag at City Hall. He was only there because he thought PFLAG was French for KFC. 
Pete Zedlacher, comedian, Just For Laughs

Yonge Street is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest street in the world, stretching 1,896 kilometres and including 189,602 Tim Hortons.
Nick Carter, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

“Toronto is hosting the 2015 Pan Am Games? That’s amazing!” said contractors, only contractors.
Carly Heffernan, performer, The Second City

One of the main differences between Toronto and Montreal is the homeless. In Toronto they seem less miserable — they don’t have to beg in two languages.
Martha Chaves, comedian, CTV’s Comedy Now

Toronto is the only city where a 300lb man looks high and low and can’t find gravy.
Ed the Sock, puppet, host

My friend is a Rosedale socialist. A Rosedale socialist is somebody who has the homeless over to try new single malt scotches.
Max Mitchell, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

Toronto is now the fourth-largest city in North America, which is why we owe a great debt of gratitude to Mayor Rob Ford.
Josh Saltzman, comedian, writer, Call Me Fitz

The hipsters keep moving west whenever an area of Toronto gets too gentrified and expensive. Soon we’ll have the coolest, most ironic airport in the world.
Naomi Snieckus, CBC’s Mr. D

The Toronto Zoo is the second best place to see gorillas — after King Street on Saturday nights.
Joel Buxton, comedian, The Sketchersons

I live in Parkdale … lots of dollar stores. You have to be careful shopping at a dollar store. Never know what you’ll get. I was looking for a Swiss Army knife. Ended up getting a Salvation Army knife. Flipped it open and got a crucifix, a soup ladle, polyester slacks, a urine-stained army cot, a snowshoe, a broken teacup, a Hardy Boys mystery.… I needn’t continue.
Alex Nussbaum, comedian, judge on MuchMusic's Video on Trial

Little-known Toronto fact: Old City Hall often regales New City Hall with “in my day” stories. 
Martha O’Neill, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

I’m writing a book about life in the Toronto suburbs. It’s called “Is There Life After Finch?”
Mark Breslin, founder of Yuk Yuk’s

Toronto gets a bad rap. I like Toronto. I think it’s one of the top 10 cities in Ontario.
Brian Aylward, up-and-coming Toronto standup comedian

On a recent trip, I learned that people in Vancouver hate Toronto. I asked, “What’s so good about Vancouver?” They replied, “The mountains and ocean.” I said, “None of those things are city things. You just named a bunch of stuff beside your city. That’s like me asking, ‘What’s so good about your girlfriend?’ and you telling me, ‘It’s her brother and sister.’” I wouldn’t like Vancouver as a girlfriend anyway, because she would cry for 10 months of the year.
Graham Kay, comedian, panelist on MuchMusic's Video on Trial

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