The Bachelor Brief: our recap of The Bachelor Canada, episode one
By Brianne Hogan
The first Canadian Bachelor made his debut last night
Fans of The Bachelor can be rest assured that the Canuck edition lives up to its American predecessor. With a bevy of fake breasts, cat fights, weird chicks and heartbreaks galore, the Canadians brought their A game (as well as a pair of hiking boots, a motorcycle and pom-poms) to The Bachelor Canada, which launched last night.
After we met Brad Smith — the CFL free-agent with a lot of love to give — and learned about his checkered past (“Brad became number one, everybody else was a distant second”) and made sure he had the required Bachleor bod (thanks to glimpses of him soaping up in the shower and slowly pulling on his pants) we moved on to the bachelorettes.
There were the requisite cheesy entrances, including a cheerleading cheer, an impromptu baseball pitch and a motorcycle. Brad complimented every dress like he was Karl Lagerfeld or something, even the ugly ones (but we think those were just his nerves talking — we hope) and there lots of giggles and awkward hugs.
Inside the stylin’ Bachelor mansion (located on Vancouver Island), there were copious amounts of booze to be had for the ladies to get good and plastered (because liquor is always a smart thing to have in a room full of insecure and competitive women). Beverages were consumed, one-on-ones with Brad got intense and the stereotype of Canadians being nice went out the window.
The first episode certainly proved that the Canadian edition of the popular franchise can go toe-to-toe with its American counterpart, and with the TMI-ful preview of the entire season, it’s obvious we’re in for all the drama, hot tubs and outlandish trips that The Bachelor franchise is known for. Below, our highlights of the emotional evening.
Chantelle! Initially, we had misgivings about the giggling pastor from Alberta, but just like Brad, we were soon won over by her unwavering sprightliness and her cute naïveté. The Christian cutie didn’t even know how to tell a boob job from a natural chest, bless her heart.
Former Bachelorette Jillian Harris made a surprise appearance to help Brad whittle down his 25 choices to a slim 15 (16, when you include the surprising addition of Ana, the curvy Romanian waitress). Of course if anything goes bad with Brad's future choices (which it undoubtedly will), he can always blame Jillian.
Mindy and Bubba. Though we’re all for a strong female presence on a show that regularly reduces females to sobbing puddles of mascara and misanthropy, we just couldn’t get on board with Mindy wearing hiking boots under her gown, or Bubba shouting “Bubba doesn’t chase no (insert another word for rooster)!” Confidence combined with some class goes a long way, ladies.
Gabrielle and Whitney. The former reminds us of an annoying combination of Snooki mixed with one of those really annoying, yippy dogs that just never shut up. Ever. Calling Whitney a “skank” to her face was so unnecessarily provoking that it made us shout equally insulting profanities at the television, but her bullying behaviour is probably why she ended up with a rose (ahem, “producer’s pick”).
Now, Whitney. The moment she slinked out of that limo in her red dress with those Keira Knightley brows, we knew she was trouble. With her whispery voice and killer squinty stare — not to mention her bod (apparently Bubba nicknamed her “the python” after her impressive guns) — she had Brad at hello. But, as any smart woman (and man) knows, the moment she refused to let Brad go from their initial embrace, whispering, “I’ve waited too long to let go,” girlfriend gave herself away as a stage 5 clinger.
Let the games begin!
The Bachelor Canada airs on CityTV Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m.