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Budget cuts. Recession? Cold weather. Enough already! We ask 40 top jokers to share their funniest Toronto jokes. Because sometimes you just gotta laugh.
COLIN MOCHRIE
The Toronto Maple Leafs have a spectacular season and against all odds find themselves in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup final. A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the game from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the ACC, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the nosebleed section. Halfway through the first period, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows up from the centre line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man says “No.”
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the final and not use it?!”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
We’ve been to every Leaf game since we got married in 1967. It was our dream to see them competing for the Cup again.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
ANNA GUSTAFSON, YUK YUK'S
I’ve been so lucky to find love in Toronto, but feeling a little awkward about how quickly our relationship is moving along. He keeps saying the three little words to me and I’m pretty sure he wants to hear the three little words back. Finally, I had to put my foot down. “Listen, buddy, I’m not saying ‘Go Leafs Go’!”
HOWIE MANDEL
A Toronto knock-knock joke:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you.
WAYNE TESTORI, AIR FARCE
A study has just discovered that the TTC is just like Viagra. A one-hour wait, for a three-minute ride.
WRITING TEAM AT THIS HOUR HAS 22 MINUTES
A drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea is spreading in Ontario. Well, thanks for nothing, Toronto International Film Festival.
CARLA COLLINS
Welcome to Toronto the Good: SARS-free since 2003, smoke-free since 2006 and Stanley Cup–free since 1967.
STEVEN SHEHORI, SECOND CITY TORONTO
I wonder if the Rogers Centre realizes it’s the CN Tower’s one remaining testicle?
KENNY HOTZ
My dad used to say that in high school my bedroom was like the cafeteria at the UN. That’s Toronto for ya!
ED THE SOCK
Toronto is a place where you can eat at a Thai restaurant owned by Greeks, where your food is cooked by a Jamaican chef and served by an Italian waiter. Plus, the menu has bacon cheeseburgers.
DEBRA DIGIOVANNI, SINGLE AWKWARD FEMALE TOUR
I joined Weight Watchers, but the closest meeting was in Forest Hill. So I go to weigh in and not one woman there, except for me, needs to lose weight. They’re all tiny, little, rich women. I overheard one of them say they want to lose three pounds. Seriously? Three pounds.... I want to lose her! My goal is lose Sandra!! Look, lady, if you only wanna lose three pounds, take off your ring!!
PETE ZEDLACHER, CANADIAN COMEDY AWARD WINNER
Everyone’s excited about the Winnipeg Jets this season, but you know which city would love to have an NHL team? Toronto. The Toronto Maple Leafs’ schedule includes the date they’ll be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
ELVIRA KURT, STAR OF THE GAYEST SHOW EVER
What I could never do is drive a streetcar in Toronto. Have you heard the horn? The sound is a bell, a rinky- dink little clingity-cling-clang. The poor driver. “Hey, Jerk off! You’re double-parked, move it!” — “Clingity-cling- clang.” I’ve heard louder tricycles. They went with a bell? Was the sound of a kitten purring already taken?
FAIZON LOVE, RUSSELL PETERS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Do you know how to spot an asshole in Toronto? He has California plates.
PAUL BELLINI, THE KIDS IN THE HALL
It’s official: as of 2011, condom use in Toronto has been surpassed by condo use. There are more condos than Starbucks. It’s Condoronto.
RICK GREEN, THE RED GREEN SHOW
A new kid arrives at a Toronto school. The teacher introduces little Vladimir to the rest of the Grade 4 kids and then asks him to tell everyone about himself. He talks about coming from Russia to Canada with his family. One girl asks, “What does your daddy do?”
Vladimir looks ashen, then mumbles, “He works in a bar where he dances for other men and takes off his clothes and does extra things if the men pay him money.”
Most of the class is befuddled, but the teacher is mortified.
After class she takes the boy aside and asks if she can do anything to help.
At that point, the boy admits, “My dad doesn’t really do that. I made that up. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit that we’re here ’cause he got traded to the Maple Leafs.
SANDY JOBIN-BEVANS, STAR OF LIFE WITH BOYS
Predictions for Toronto’s future:
- By 2015, Old City Hall will be completely converted to condos
- By 2013, the Bixi bike program will be considered just as successful as the Rochester Ferry was
- In 2012, Rob Ford willpass a law containing the Pride Parade to bike lanes, then follow that up by completely abolishing bike lanes
- It will take exactly one death to put an end to the CN Tower Edge Walk
- The Toronto Maple Leafs will finally win the Stanley Cup shortly before the earth is consumed by the sun.
MARC HALLWORTH, VEST OF FRIENDS AT THE TORONTO SKETCH COMEDY FESTIVAL
I’d love it if TTC buses that say “Out of Service” would STOP DRIVING! Why are they still on the road? Clearly the bus is working. Do they celebrate a job well done by doing a victory lap?
SABRINA JALEES, COMEDIAN AND STAR OF YTV’S IN REAL LIFE
My dad voted for Rob Ford because he said it was a bargain, a no-frills vote.
I was like, “But dad ... have you ever bought a banana from No Frills? You put it on the counter, and the next day you’re wondering, ‘Who took a dump on the counter?’"
PATRICK MCKENNA, SECOND CITY ALUM
“In Toronto’s quest for the Stanley Cup, I suggest they change their name to “The Toronto Make-Believes.”
BOB BEDDOW, STAND-UP COMEDIAN
A highly decorated soldier steps off the plane in Toronto after a year-long tour in Afghanistan. A little girl approaches him shyly, holding a flower out to him. As the soldier stoops to accept the gift from her, the little girl says softly, “Thank you for shovelling our sidewalk last winter.”
AARON HAGEY-MACKAY FROM JAPE, TORONTO SKETCH COMEDY FESTIVAL
Everyone calls Toronto “Hogtown” — not because they know the economic history of Toronto, but because they’ve seen a picture of the mayor.
ALAN PARK, ROYAL CANADIAN AIR FARCE
One year into the job, Mayors Rob Ford and Calgary’s Naheed Nenshi have triggered different reactions.
The progressive Nenshi is still hugely popular, while the huge Ford has received death threats: the one he fears most being the temporary closure for renovations of his local Mandarin Chinese Buffet.
MARK BRESLIN, COMIC STRIPPED COLUMNIST
Two Torontonians meet in the street one morning. “Good day,” says one of them with a smile. The other thinks, “Hmmmnn ... I wonder what he meant by that?
ROD BEATTIE (A.K.A. WALT WINGFIELD)
Rod Beattie, who travels extensively across Canada as Walt Wingfield, recently came through Toronto’s Pearson Airport and asked the attendant at the counter to send his laptop to Halifax, his suitcase to Vancouver and his dog to Winnipeg. “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t do that.”
“Why not,” asked Rod, “you did the last time I flew to Kamloops.”
DAVID SHORE, MONKEY TOAST
To all the Canadians who hate Toronto: Please stop moving here. We’re running out of condos to sell you.
RED GREEN, THE RED GREEN SHOW
So I’m going up Yonge Street on foot because some smart guy had realized the duct tape on the Possum Van bumper was strong enough to hold a tow rope, when this tourist stops and asks me if I know how to get to York University. I said, “Yeah. Go to U of T and flunk.”
IAN SIROTA, COMEDY WRITER
People ask me what’s the difference between Toronto and the rest of the country, and I say it’s the driving. In the rest of this country, if there is a fiery crash on the 401 and two people die, people not from Toronto say, “Oh my god, that’s terrible. We should say a prayer for those people.” Maybe they put up some flowers where the accident happened, very thoughtful, very respectful. If there’s a fiery crash on the 401 and two people die, people from Toronto say, “Was he going westbound or eastbound? Westbound? Fu&*$#! ... Now it’s going to take me four hours to get home to Mississauga! Stupid dead people, you’ve ruined my life! God killed YOU to punish ME! Now I’m going to miss the beginning of So You Think You Can Dance Canada!
PRECIOUS CHONG, COMEDIAN (AND TOMMY CHONG’S DAUGHTER)
A couple of random things I’ve learned since living in Toronto:
- In my ’hood, people are obsessed with buying toilet paper in bulk.
- My window was hit by a bullet last Halloween. I grew up in Los Angeles and that was my first “shooting,” in Toronto, near Pape and Danforth. Go figure.
- The police are nice here.
- The “k” is silent in Etobicoke.
- Rob Ford puts the“d ”in devil.
RUSSELL PETERS
The mayor lives up to his last name, because Fords aren’t really reliable. And they are gas guzzlers, and he guzzles a lot of things that would give him gas, it looks like, judging by his stature.
ANNA GUSTAFSON, YUK YUK’S
I was on my way downtown to the club and heard on the news that a 14-year-old gang member had been shot! Don’t worry, he’s okay. They took him to Sick Kids. That must be tremedously disappointing to a young gangbanger, don’t you think? All that hard work to be a man and they take you to Sick Kids. “I don’t wanna go to Sick Kids, I wanna go to the big boy hospital” You just wait, little fella, one day you’ll get to go to big boy jail. For lots of sleepovers. And snuggles.
WRITING TEAM AT THIS HOUR HAS 22 MINUTES
Les Mis is returning to Toronto, with Justin Bieber as a possible cast member. Because there’s nothing more “miserables” than paying $80 to see a teenaged millionaire.
STEVE PATTERSON, COMEDIAN
How many Torontonians does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. A true Torontonian would never stoop so high.
JESSICA HOLMES, ROYAL CANADIAN AIR FARCE
My Toronto line is “Help yourself to one of our many pigeons.”
WAYNE TESTORI, ROYAL CANADIAN AIR FARCE
Lake Ontario: Chunky enough for a fork, but made for a spoon.
STEWART SILVER, YUK YUK’S
The people of Toronto have a certain mentality where, should someone be driving and have an accident, every other driver who sees this says, “Wow, that guy had an accident. I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. Let’s go have an accident.”
JON LOVITZ
Everyone in Canada is super nice, they’re always apologizing: “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” I’m like, “Quit apologizing, you didn’t do anything.”
JIM ROBINSON, SKETCH TROUPE FRATWURST
Someone bought me a pair of Leafs tickets for my birthday. Like a moron, I accidentally left them on my dashboard in my parked car. I came back an hour later only to find that someone had smashed my window and left two more….
GAVIN STEPHENS, NERDY LITTLE SECRET
I went to school in Thornhill during a time when Hillcrest Mall only had about 15 stores and most of them were part of the food court. Back then their motto was “Hillcrest Mall, we’re the mall with all the parking space.”
A proud moment for me was seeing the Winners my mom would frequent in the 905 being used in the movie Dawn of the Dead. Up until then, I had no idea why anyone would build a mall with only two stores in it. Then Zach Snyder filled it with the undead, and it all made sense.
SCOTT FAULCONBRIDGE, STAND-UP COMIC
Critics of Toronto mayor Rob Ford have pointed out that it has been easy to catch him using his cellphone while driving because of his licence plate, which reads “ROB FORD.” The mayor has admitted making a mistake and will be changing the licence plate to “NOT ROB FORD.”
MATT O’BRIEN, XM RADIO’S NEXT TOP COMIC 2010
I’m amazed how people from Oshawa take pride in how gross their town is. I lived there for three years and locals would call it ‘The Dirty Shwa.’ If you think about it, Oshawa is at the bottom of the GTA; everything bad from Toronto trickles down and settles in Oshawa. Oshawa is like that tray that you put under a George Forman grill, but instead of collecting grease, it collects Dollaramas and teen pregnancy.
RICHARD RYDER, COMEDIAN
Roots was asked to come up with a T-shirt to help with Toronto tourism, much like the ‘I <Heart> New York’ shirts did for New York. They came up with the ‘I <Heart> T.O.,’ but instead of a heart, they put a red maple leaf, which just looked like: I “Leave” T.O. ... and they did.
PAUL “THE INTERN” LEMIEUX, MTV LIVE
I love Toronto because Canada’s tallest man works as a bouncer at the House of Lancaster strip club. I’ll be proud of this fact until I hear Dubai has a taller bouncer and a better strip club.
STEVEN SHEHORI, SECOND CITY TORONTO
Why is it every Toronto cab driver is always on their cellphone? I’m not great at math, but if you’re making 75 cents a minute off the meter and then you’re paying 75 cents a minute to talk to your brother-in-law in Budapest, you’ve kinda just invented the stupid man’s perpetual motion machine.
HARLAND WILLIAMS
I saw a kid on Queen Street with giant hoops in his earlobes. I threw a football through one and won a stuffed panda.
An anteater was up the CN Tower and, upon looking down, yelled “Those people down there look like ants.” To which his lion friend replied, “They look like good old ribs and femurs to me.”
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