Dr. Jess on Sex: Making everyday interactions erotic

Four simple strategies to get the sexy back in your relationship


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Turn your greetings and goodbyes into romantic embraces to shift the tone of your relationship

If you’re happy in your relationship and enjoy the company of your partner but find that the erotic connection has faded with time, consider these simple strategies to make your daily interactions more erotic — even within the context of a hectic lifestyle:

1. Send playful “drip-texts” and riddles.
Throughout the day, send your partner incomplete messages, following up every hour or so. Send the first few words of a sentence in the morning, then one word per hour until your sexy text starts to make sense.

One of my clients suggests using song lyrics as inspiration. Alternatively, you can send riddles your partner has to answer in order to receive a prize, like a treasure hunt that ends in bed. Or hide a new pair of underwear in the trunk of your partner’s car and send hints about where to find it. Tell your partner to ditch the old pair before coming home. 

2. Sext photos … of other people.
You’re hot, but you’re not the only one, and couples who have more frequent and satisfying sex acknowledge that other people are attractive too. Use Google to find erotic photos, GIFs or short clips (that are legally and consensually in the public domain) that you know your partner will like and add teasing commentary such as, “I would wear this for you.” As Danforth resident Lance tells his wife Sharma, “I don’t care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.” 

3. Cut the complaining.
I know. The weather sucks. Traffic is brutal. And Sam from accounting is the worst. But your partner doesn’t need to hear about it all. Complaining is boring, and it’s the antithesis of sexy. Whittle your complaints down to two minutes at the end of the workday and then call each other out if you slip into complaint mode later on. I’m not suggesting that you bottle up all complaints, as some issues require conversation, but simply that you cut out the mundane chatter about your First World problems that do nothing to enhance your relationship. Life is good. Right?

4. Upgrade your greetings and goodbyes.
How do you greet your partner? Do you make eye contact, smile and purposefully relish your partner’s presence? Or do you barely glance up from your phone? When you say goodbye, do you take a moment to kiss or embrace as you would if your partner were leaving on a flight?

If these positive descriptions sound cheesy or unrealistic, it’s an indication that you’d benefit from adjusting your behaviour. My best advice to guide your change is to act like a dog. Gaze at your partner longingly as you part and rush to be close when you meet. You’ll find that just 60 seconds invested in your hellos and goodbyes will shift the tone of your relationship. 

Research suggests that 20 seconds of hugging or 30 seconds of eye contact can result in an oxytocin boost, which is associated with enhanced feelings of safety, trust, love and connection — all of which increase the likelihood of getting it on.

These are just a few simple hacks to eroticize your daily interactions. You can also try sleeping naked, leaving love notes in the car, grooming in private (a  partner doesn’t need to watch you pluck!), talking about your big dreams and hottest fantasies, holding hands under the table (on the bus or in the car), staring at your partner’s best physical assets, playing light pranks and hugging from behind. 

You can make change or make excuses. The choice is yours.

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Jess O’Reilly is a sought-after speaker, author and sexologist. SexWithDrJess.com.

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